It is not a secret that the relations between men and women become differ when they start living together. The period of dating is something like a preparatory stage for the creation of the family. It is a very important step for every member of the couple and sometimes it happens that marriage is not living up to the expectations of the couple. The failed expectations in marriage cause the divorce rate growing and psychological problems in the couple. Even yet later they will live separately from each other. Psychologists are confident that among the many factors, which cause such a situation misunderstanding is one of the first reasons which influence the family relations and now we will try to set up the problem and finally find the solution, which help to find understanding.
When conflicts appear in the family life, it seems to be quite ordinary thing. Looking from the side of the third person it seems very easy to solve any problems, but when you are involved in the conflict. It cause bitter feelings and disappointment which make a rift in the family prosperity

Many couples are telling such a thing about each other “He doesn’t listen to me”, “She listens but doesn’t hear me” and so on. Is it easy to find understanding, which is very important in any relationship and in amy family.

Sometimes, in a relationship, the time that it takes to get all the words out, get down to the feelings, do some processing, and feel like movement has occurred is just too exhausting. So we say all the words and leave the rest up to our spouse to Interpret the feeling, do all of the processing, and reply with the perfect response that will renew our unending love. Somewhere in that fairy tale we need to add some basic tools of communication. Communicating is a very difficult process especially when you seek for understanding. And Everyone needs to find the correct words to help each other to understand the correct meaning of the phrase said.

Resolving conflicts in a marriage is much different than it is at work or between friends. In order for both parties to feel like they win, it takes a certain element of communication, that you don’t learn “on the street” or anywhere else. Here are the five “text book” steps to resolving a conflict. You have probably seen these before.

• Decide on place, time, and issue
• Both people talk/listen
• Brainstorm new solutions
• Collaborate on one solution to try
• Acknowledge Progress and Follow up

Family psychologists suggest 4 steps to better communication between married couples:

STEP 1 – Start with an “I” statement - Your thought expressed starting with the word “I”. “I” statements are less threatening and allow the listener to hear what is being said without raising his or her defenses, current mood and so on. Try to avoid the temptation to use the word “you” in your statement, as it is the first and the most important step for further misunderstanding. Here you can see the examples:

Good Example: “I think we need to spend more time together.”

Bad Example: “I think you watch too much TV.”

STEP 2 – Follow the “I” statement with your feeling. – Thoughts can be argued all day long. Feelings, however, are yours. You own them. Your feelings cannot be wrong as you always correctly understand what do you feel and not a big thing has left, you just need to learn how to express your feeling to youк partner and him to understand you. Here are some feeling words to help you out with this step: Valued • Elated • Nervous • Upset • Scared • Frustrated • Angry • Happy • Embarrassed • Powerful • Resentful • Excited • Worthless • Sad • Energetic • Lonely • Ecstatic

Good Example: “I feel sad because we are drifting apart.”

Bad Example: “I feel like you are not communicating with me.”

STEP 3 – Your Spouse Mirrors What You Say and Checks for Accuracy-Mirroring is like paraphrasing. The person mirroring uses his or her own words to describe what someone else has just said. Be careful not to parrot here by saying exactly, word for word, what was stated.

Good Example: “You think we should try to come up with some things to do together. You are feeling sad that we are starting to go our separate ways. Is that right?”

Bad Example: “You think we need to spend more time together because you are feeling sad because we are drifting apart. Right?”

STEP 4 – If Accurate – Switch and start back with Step 1. If your spouse paraphrased your thought and feeling accurately, then it is your spouse’s turn to communicate his or her thought and feeling on this subject back to you.

The next time you feel like your spouse is not listening to what you are trying to communicate, try using these steps to relay your thoughts and feelings. And ask yourself, am I listening or just talking.

In every question and every statement you should be attentive to your partner. Remember that in every conflict there are always two persons to blame. And the better way is just thinking advance and trying to avoid the conflict. Here we have seen how important the problem of building up communication with your partner is.

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